i missed you

yesterday was Corinne Crawford's memorial ride.

i was originally planning to be in Phoenix, hanging with the women of my extended family in the pool, sipping my uncle Steve's 100-proof martinis all day, trying to take some of the shine off my buns. but i got to Phoenix Thursday and decided that night i had to come back early. the fare home had gone up $100, but no change fee. mad props to Southwest Airlines for their change policy, i fly with them when i can [get a flight without three connections and an arrival two cities away from my destination]. less than 36 hours after i arrived, i was back at the Phoenix airport with time to kill. two of those hours were spent in an airport sports bar, sipping Manhattans and reading a Neil Gaiman novel until my flight. (ever get the sense you don't entirely fit in with your surroundings?)

i only learned of the accident Wednesday, and the corners of my mind were still stretching to wrap around the whole thing. i went to the memorial service Wednesday, but that was only about 3 hours after i found out about the incident, and i could do nothing but stare off in a stunned silence. (a great strategy in this situation: gravitate toward the most talkative person you know, preferably someone that requires no feedback to keep talking.) this was sandwiched in the middle of a 14-hour work day... i was trying to get a draft of my thesis to my advisor before the next morning, so i had to will myself not to think about it all before and after the ceremony.

i rolled up to Sproul Saturday morning and found many of my former teammates, most of whom i don't have much occasion to see these days, now that i'm slower than fuck on a bike (i was exactly as slow as fuck when i was on the team). the last time for some was at the same party where i saw Corinne for the last time. do you ever have the experience that you forget to miss somebody until you see them again? it's like you retroactively miss them, even when it hadn't crossed your mind until that moment, and it doesn't even really make sense because they're now in front of you. it was kinda like that... i had forgotten to miss Corinne since i saw her last, and as i stood around, it suddenly all caught up with me, like a sonic boom, only instead of seeing her again, there was just her memory. and the guilt that i hadn't missed her sooner.

i am so thankful that i made it to the ride. the sight of the policemen stopping traffic as almost 100 of us rolled through red lights made me cry. it can be strange what things get us. the time at the site was a needed goodbye and a chance to make it real. i forced myself to contemplate her broken fork. the ride back was really good, it was the first ride in a long time with my former teammates and friends, and i sprinted harder to the Brazil Building than in years (proof: i hit my max, 188). for me, it was a chance to grieve, but also a chance to celebrate the friendships and camaraderie that live on. i think she would have liked that.